During a development project that I am currently involved with I began to notice that my emotions that I have a hard time showing were coming to the surface, at first I tried to ignore it, not because I wanted to not express those feelings but because I had a task at hand and my thought process told me that by exposing them it would interfere with my task at hand.

So, I buried them and continued to put the time and effort required into this ongoing project.

But they wouldn’t rest, and they were ready this week to come up from within me and not want to be hidden anymore.

It ended with me having a big cry.

I think it was a relief to be honest with you, as well as a freeing feeling.

It meant that I was able to feel ok in exposing myself and my emotions and I felt better afterwards.

The other reason that I cried was because it’s a project that close to my heart and it was a cathartic process.

What it taught me was that I hadn’t considered that I needed to manage my emotions or that they were going to be called upon to come out to the forefront.

It also taught me that this project being a passion project of mine was that I was so invested in it that it showed that I cared and that I was connected to it.

I haven’t felt this way about anything that I’ve ever developed, I think that I had underestimated the work that it would involve too.

Yes, there are the one to one Zoom meetings, and notes can be taken but the real work starts afterwards and that’s where the emotional part came into play for me.

A lot of what happens from that Thursday to the next Thursday is part of a carefully constructed plan, one where I have to think back and pinpoint certain events in my past and link them back to this project.

It’s confronting but it’s how best to make what I’m involved with an honest account.

I think that also I underestimated myself here. I felt that I was ready, and that it would be something that would be easily achieved, again I didn’t see the bigger picture with this and so I was unprepared for what was to happen.

So, I devised a plan one where I would be in control and whereby, I could step away and not feel guilty and not feel that I had to sit there and have tears rolling down my face and that I couldn’t walk away.

I decided that the only way it would work for me was to place a time limit on myself.

I would give myself an hour to work on this and then I would save it and then walk away and come back to it the next day, which I did.

I also factored in sensory breaks for myself, again I’d completely ignored this as I was too focused on the work at hand.

I’m not adverse to crying, I don’t want anyone to think that I am some emotionless robot, I had just submerged myself in the work and I hadn’t taken time out for me and my mental health.

So, this time around I’m going to seek out a mental health care plan and have the option of speaking to a counsellor.

If your wondering what I have in place right now, it’s the following.

I have increased my workouts to at least 40 minutes

I have my sensory box handy and it is filled with items that I know will bring me a sense of calmness

I go for a walk down towards my local beach and sit on the sand or a near by park bench and take in the sea air and listen to the waves crashing and it brings me into a sense of stillness

I can sit in my garden and enjoy a mug of hot tea and I can listen to a podcast or enjoy my lunch in the afternoon sun

I have friends who I can text and also, I can confide in my sister who can offer advice if needed

My takeaway from this ongoing process is that despite the emotional side of my personality coming to the forefront,

I doubted myself by thinking that I didn’t have the necessary skill set to deal with this,

when all along I actually did.

The other thing that I have learnt is that I shouldn’t feel ashamed to cry and that given the subject matter it was a relief to cry and I shouldn’t feel that, it’s wrong to cry about things and that expressing emotions are a natural part of every day life.

Carry On The Conversation

As always, I can also be found on Twitter:@AutisticNickAU and on the Autistic Nick Facebook Page

Thank you for reading and I will see you next time for more thoughts from across the spectrum.


  1. Dear Nick, I have read you post . I hope I am not offensive when I speak things because I do not ever mean to be. Do you watch STAR TREK the old series? I cannot help but wonder if Spock was based on a person with autism. I hope that is not offensive you.
    LORD BLESS, Taanjia


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