AUTISTIC NICK HAS A MELTDOWN
A trickle of sweat slowly, meticulously, begin its decent down from my armpit towards my tummy.
A small volcanic fire began to bubble away inside my head.
My head hurt.
It felt like it would explode.
The small embers of this volcanic eruption begun to be fanned by an inward anger.
Those embers began to be fanned, more and more.
The embers picked up.
The fanning intensified.
I wanted to pull my head off and throw it into a bucket of ice.
I wanted to dive into a swimming pool of ice.
I wanted to be submerged in the ice.
Feel all of what it had to offer.
Which was, a stopping of the flames of anger.
The wave of it hit me hard.
It was like when you know that a building (it’s always an abandoned warehouse isn’t it?) is about to explode or a house/car on TV and the characters always must for some reason move away from it in a slow dramatic fashion.
Inside my head and now my body this slow-motion event was taking place.
My thought process had grabbed anything it wanted and had abandoned me.
I couldn’t think.
I couldn’t breathe.
I needed an out.
I wanted to cry, but my emotions had like my thought process gone and left me alone and confused.
I paced up and down in my kitchen.
I kept repeating what had sparked me to be in this current position.
The words from the email kept scrolling past my eyes.
Imagine a scene from the film the Matrix where all the characters see is computer code flashing past their eyes and that’s what it was like.
The scrolling of the emails, the inner anger, the outward cries to show emotions, the thoughts not forming, the whole things whirling around and around inside my head.
It was as if it was on a continuous loop.
I had lost all sense of what to do.
I needed an out.
I stepped outside; I took deep breaths.
I sat down on the ground, I got up again.
I wanted my thought process to return to me, I wanted to scream, shout, cry, I wanted a lot of things.
I just wasn’t sure in that moment if I could/would/should/deserved them.
And all the while continuous loop of the scrolling of the emails, the inner anger, the outward cries to show emotions, the thoughts not forming, the whole things whirling around and around inside my head.
It was all I could see, think about, feel.
I sat down at the kitchen table eventually and had a conversation with my sister.
The trickles of sweat had now for the time being subsided and my thought process had returned after momentarily abandoning me.
I grabbed a glass of cold water and filled it with ice cubes, the crunching was a welcomed relief.
I could now breathe; I was becoming more alert and was able to make and maintain a conversation.
A big diffuser here was that I was able to have a conversation about what had triggered my meltdown and in my own time allow all of my thoughts and feelings to pour out and was able to be listened to and heard and however long that took, with me getting all of my words and thoughts out took, it was what I needed in that moment.
I’m unsure of what would’ve happened if no one had been there.
I dread to think of what actions I would’ve taken & things I would have said.
My one takeaway from all of this is that actions have consequences and acceptance, responsibility and accountability need to be acknowledged here and a question next time to be asked is what affect will this action have on me an Autistic person?
Communication is the key here, by communicating clearly and concisely to me a person with
Autism a potential meltdown could have been avoided.
The exhausting part of having a meltdown as an Autistic person is that I still must
process everything which is even more exhausting than the actual meltdown.
I survived and a well-earned nap was my richly deserved reward.
It actually took me 5-days after the event for me to fully calm myself.
CARRY ON THE CONVERSATION
Thank you for reading and I will see you next time for more thoughts from across the spectrum.