AUTISTIC NICK IS DISAPPOINTED, ANGRY AND HAS A TENSION HEADACHE
I open my emails.
I scroll through them.
I scan them and then move onto the next one.
I was seeking out one email in particular.
I eventually found it.
I was very excited to see the results of my hard work paying off.
I clicked onto the link, entered the information required and then….
No Fucking Way.
That can’t be right?
I check again and again.
I feel sick.
I can literally feel the lumps of sick travellung up from my stomach into my throat.
A hitchhiker has grabbed onto one of the cubes of sick and is travelling up my throat.
That hitchhiker is….
I can feel my disappointment suffocating me with its bare hands.
It wants me to know just how disappointed it is in me.
It wants me to acknowledge its presence and agree with it and for the rest of the day I am.
I am so angry and emotional I cannot put this into words.
I pace up and down my bedroom, I run my hands through my hair, I hit my forehead.
I want to punish myself.
Another hitchhiker has grabbed onto one of the cubes of sick and is travelling up my throat.
This one is….
My anger is at boiling point, I want answers.
I need to know why.
But my anger is consuming me, and I can’t think.
So, not only am I being held hostage by my disappointment, but now my anger wants in on the action to?
It’s an exhausting fight which is currently taking place.
I leave them to it and attempt to continue with my day.
Anger and disappointment continue to do battle.
Until anger eventually becomes the winner and leaves disappointment cowing in a corner somewhere, licking its wounds.
Anger then decided that it wasn’t done with me and wanted me to know it.
It began chipping away, chip here, chip there, entering my through process and allowing me to think about my issue non-stop for the rest of the day.
I attempt to put up an inner fire wall, but to no avail.
Anger decides that it needs to do more, and it does.
Every opportunity, every minute, every second anger consumes my every thought.
I decide to take a break, I grab some water, and some headache tablets and sit outside and pray that the headache tablets work.
In short, they do not.
They do not even come close.
I can hear my headache taunting me its laughter ringing in my ears.
I cannot relax for the rest of the night, I take more headache tablets, nothing is coming close to ending this torture for me.
The headaches, the anger and disappointment all rejoice later as they each take turns to affect me.
I try and forget about everything, but I can’t.
I have to get to the bottom of this.
I have to know what went wrong.
I need answers and so I send out emails.
I can’t deal with the headaches now.
I sleep, but not great.
I can see everything playing out inside my head, I want it to stop but I can’t.
Its as if it wants to bring me more pain than I am already in.
I attempt to go on about my week and forget everything that is going on.
By Friday I have had enough and I for some reason massage that part of my head.
I continue to massage it.
I can feel its grip that it had on me slowly releasing.
I am still disappointed, and disappointment knows it, otherwise it wouldn’t still be hanging around, cheering, and poking its tongue out as anger disappears and the headaches slowly subside.
I feel ashamed to some degree that I allowed my stress levels to get to such a point as well as my anger and my disappointment.
I cannot just brush these emotions off as some people obviously can.
I do feel annoyed at myself and here’s why, initially when this was all happening, I became lost, and my mind went blank, and I couldn’t remember any of the steps that I needed to work through to achieve a calmer me.
I did take naps, I did attempt to de-stress myself, I just was unprepared for that Tuesday and all that it bought.
Reflecting on it, I shouldn’t have been so hard on myself, I should have breathed and just simply allowed myself time to think and to evaluate the situation and manage it better.
CARRY ON THE CONVERSATION
How do you cope with stress?
Let me know in the comments section below
Thank you for reading and I will see you next time for more thoughts from across the spectrum.