A few weeks ago, I was approached, and I accepted to go onto a podcast.

I had never been invited onto a podcast before so I was unaware of what I was A) in for and B) what would come up during the conversation that would need further explanation.

As I was answering questions and rambling on like I do there came a point where I said that it was dependent on the day/how I was feeling whether or not I was comfortable with my disability.

After I had recorded the podcast, I came away and didn’t think too much about it.

I carried on with my life, working, writing, feeling happy that I’d been invited onto a podcast, and I didn’t give it much thought as you do.

In my mind it was done and dusted.

But the Autistic brain isn’t like other brains in my opinion, you see it wasn’t going to allow me to forget what I had said, and it didn’t.

At first it was just another week for me, working from home, sending emails, researching people to be interviewed for my next article, but slowly it found a way to bring it up inside my head and then it wouldn’t let go, like when a dog finds a juicy bone and protective of it and won’t allow anyone near it, if they do it growls at them providing them with a warning to back off.

And off course this is what happened to me, my brain remembered that small section of the conversation and like the dog and its juicy bone wouldn’t let it go.

It replayed that clip over and over inside my head.

Which is how I find myself in this situation talking about it in this week’s blog post.

Since the podcast was published it’s something that has been playing on my mind.

I find it to be an internal struggle for me to accept that I have a disability some days, and others I forget that I am Autistic and then someone or something will remind me, and I’ll be back to square one.

Look, I’m not ashamed of being Autistic I don’t want you reading this thinking that, it’s just not something that I ever thought would be apart of who I have come to be as a person and as an adult.

There are some days that I wish that I wasn’t Autistic and that I could experience what life would be like as a non-disabled person.

If this was on TV, then the screen would do that thing where it goes into a flashback effect on screen and then we would see me in various situations seeing what life would be like without being Autistic.

It’s hard to know just how I would cope with being non-disabled.

What would that look like?

How would I feel knowing that I had left behind something that was a part of me?

Would I care?

Would I want to try and retrieve my Autism somehow?

What would that involve?

Going on a quest with a map?

Look at this point I’m just thinking out loud and processing this whole situation.

If I didn’t have a disability, then how would I feel?

How would that look?

Would people treat me any differently?

Would I feel any differently?

Would I want to stay being someone who wasn’t disabled?

So, all this has steamed from my podcast conversation.

I wasn’t aware that they would ask me to elaborate on what I’d said if I’m being honest but then if they hadn’t of bought it up and asked me to elaborate on it, I wouldn’t have a blog post for this week.

It did take me back being asked too, like I was put on the spot, and I needed time to think of my answer.

Because in that moment you have to have a well thought out rational well-constructed answer to what you’ve just been asked by two professional podcasters.

My mind at that point was whirling but I took an inner deep breath and forged forward.

I kinda knew what I was going to say, but it as it always is for me the getting it out without going around the houses and giving as Dylan said in the episode 120 words for a short question!

Look being Autistic is difficult, challenging, exhausting and sometimes painful. But there is also a positive side to living with Autism which is how Autistic people see the world through a unique perspective that is often beautifully different.


As always, I can also be found on Twitter:@AutisticNickAU and on the Official Autistic Nick Facebook Page

Thank you for reading and I will see you next time for more thoughts from across the spectrum.

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