What a week it’s been for me!

Honestly the unnecessary stress that I caused myself wasn’t worth it.

But when it comes to me and stress and being Autistic is very much a big deal.

It takes very little for me to get stressed, seriously it can be the smallest of things which once I’ve taken hold of it, I won’t let it go.

I’ll magnify it until the hold is that strong, I feel faint or push myself and my body into a meltdown.

I will forcibly do this without thinking and without considering the consequences of pushing my body to enter a meltdown or a shutdown.

During this unnecessary stressful period, I’ll willingly want to go through all that a meltdown can bring all because I haven’t taken a step back and actually observed and assessed the potential trigger.

All I’ve done is seen an issue/problem and then just freaked out and gone into panic/stress/meltdown/shutdown mode.

An example of this was the following.

A trickle of sweat slowly, meticulously, begin its decent down from my armpit towards my tummy.

A small volcanic fire began to bubble away inside my head.

My head hurt.

It felt like it would explode.

The small embers of this volcanic eruption begun to be fanned by an inward anger.

Those embers began to be fanned, more and more.

The embers picked up.

The fanning intensified.

I wanted to pull my head off and throw it into a bucket of ice.

I wanted to dive into a swimming pool of ice.

I wanted to be submerged in the ice.

Feel all of what it had to offer.

Which was, a stopping of the flames of anger.

The wave of it hit me hard.

It was like when you know that a building (it’s always an abandoned warehouse isn’t it?) is about to explode or a house/car on TV and the characters always must for some reason move away from it in a slow dramatic fashion.

Inside my head and now my body this slow-motion event was taking place.

My thought process had grabbed anything it wanted and had abandoned me.

I couldn’t think.

I couldn’t breathe.

I needed an out.

I wanted to cry, but my emotions had like my thought process gone and left me alone and confused.

I paced up and down in my kitchen.

I was in my internet banking app, and I had just paid a disability providers invoice when just after I had paid it, I realised that I had a made an error and that I have in fact paid the wrong provider.

Now, most people while panicking would’ve have been able to rationally consider their options and work through what the best course of action would be and taken it from there.

Not me! My panic set in and I was in a complete panic, nothing anyone said was sinking in and all I could hear was white noise.

I spent the next 45 confusing, panic ridden minutes on the phone to my bank explaining and hoping to take in the information being provided to me.

It was a lot to process, I had to allocate the account number of the provider I’d incorrectly paid, then find other important information to help the customer service person from the bank allocate the funds and put a stop to the payment being made.

I then made a phone call to the provider I’d incorrectly paid and thankfully they were very helpful and did reimburse the incorrect funds back into my bank account.

All this time I am sweating, perching nervously on the cliff of panic attack, hoping that I don’t give into my bodies urges of heading into a meltdown.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to allow my body to do what it naturally should do as it is an Autistic trait and something that I wanted to happen, but being on the phone to the bank, dealing with the provider afterwards and explaining what had happened to them, attempting to figure it all out and worrying about what the outcome would be I wanted to at least just get through what was happening and then if afterwards my body was telling me head into your meltdown then I would off course had obliged and allowed myself to have my well deserved meltdown or potential shut down.

Upon reflection I don’t think that this situation warranted a shutdown it was leaning more towards a meltdown, as all the triggers and signals that were being communicated to me via my brain were clearly spelling it out.

The exhausting part of potentially having a meltdown as an Autistic person is that I still must
process everything which is even more exhausting than having the actual meltdown.

I survived and a well-earned nap was my richly deserved reward.


As always, I can also be found on Twitter:@AutisticNickAU and on the Official Autistic Nick Facebook Page

Thank you for reading and I will see you next time for more thoughts from across the spectrum.

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